Take Life - a poem and thoughts on anxiety and depression

It's been a good minute since I've posted anything poetic. Almost a month. I'm exhausted tonight after my first difficult evening with benzodiazepine withdrawal symptoms (on this particular drug, anyway... you may recall that I kicked Ativan a while back, and I am now on my way to freedom from Valium).

I'm feeling particularly strong in comparison to how fearful I was last time around. My health anxiety is what led me to begin taking these prescription drugs to begin with. I had become quite a control freak in every possible way. The vertigo issues and possible seizure that I experienced in 2011 and 2012 pushed me fully off the deep end and I was grasping for help anywhere I could get it.

I have frequently expressed regret at ever saying yes to these pills. Tonight, I'm feeling no regrets. Why? Because I have learned the lessons that this chapter was meant to teach me. I can now handle it when things get scary. I can once again look illness and even death in the eye (after all, I had my first surgery last autumn and that was something I was previously convinced would kill me). I used to be able to face all these things with a normal amount of apprehension. I lost that ability, but I've got it back now.

There will be more evenings of panic and depression on the way down, but I have real coping skills now. Claire Weekes books have helped me to get a real understanding of anxiety, why it's actually necessary, and how to stop it from spiraling out of control. Cannabis (as a legal medical marijuana patient in Michigan) has provided a welcome relief from stress as well as actual physical healing to the parts of my brain that were affected by PTSD. And finally, I'm now working with a counselor who is helping me to really get my life on track.

Why am I talking about all this here on my blog? Because mental health is important and it's vital to remove the stigma from those two words. Every single one of us has experienced things in life that we swept under the rug, stuffed down inside ourselves, or blocked out completely. Denial only gets you so far. I've lost a hell of a lot of my heroes to prescription drugs at this point, and while these pills serve their place where needed, anxiety is not one of those places. There are no long-term effective drugs for anxiety that I am aware of. All benzos are meant for short-term use and have highly addictive potential.

So take care of yourself and be smart about what you choose to medicate with. It's a difficult world we're living in, but in many cases a shift in perspective can turn at least part of your journey into a beautiful one. Here is a poem on this subject, on mindfulness and presence, and on how important that is when you're trying to heal your brain from the effects of long-term anxiety and stress.

Take Life

Time waits for no one
and it will not wait for me.
Even if I pridelessly beg and plead,
the globe spins beneath my knees
and we keep hurtling through the universe—
forward, onward, linear—
circles, spirals, cyclical—
however you view it,
it's still going to do it.

Stuck in the past, running on fumes—
living in the future, castles or ruins.
All that matters and all that exists
is what we can grab with these fists.
Right now, in the present,
is where you'll find your gifts.

Even when the day brings pain,
it's what we're here for.
We weren't promised pleasure
nor guaranteed glittery treasure.
I'm ready to take life on an as-is basis.
I'm ready to accept the experience,
whether it's lengthy and difficult,
cut short but without tumult,
or some remixed mashup of the two.

I'm stronger now
and wiser somehow.
I'll do what I have to do.