Clarity on Life, Creativity on Pause

I've never felt as far away from my creativity as I do right now. I've never had writer's block. I've never not felt like an artist, even when I have gone months without writing, because I've always known that I can dip my toes back in the water at any point that I wish and that it will always be there for me. That faith in creativity is still there, but right now, in 2014, I just feel disinterested and disconnected from it.

I think this is as honest as I've ever been with myself or with you. Honestly, how many times have I come here when I have been avoiding the work for so long and still made promises and set deadlines and release dates? That was some heavy denial from someone who simply wasn't ready to share her work with the world. What I was ready to share is right here for all to see, but in finished book form, or in an album? I wasn't ready, I'm not ready, and I don't know when I'll be ready. It will be right when it is right, and I just don't do things halfway.

I can truly say that I'm genuinely happy and free, without the conditions I used to place on that happiness.

Right now, in my real everyday world, my focus is on getting the day's work done, getting my health back, and reclaiming the life that is and should have always been my own. I've got some structure for the first time in my life. I've become quite responsible. It's boring, but it's beautiful in its own way to finally get to this place in my life that I've been grasping at for so very long. And it's what has to happen. But it's not the dream.

Here, in this moment, the dream is so far away that it looks tiny. I can almost forget that it exists. But then maybe I check my Twitter feed and see that someone is working on their new album. Maybe I look at Instagram and see one too many handwritten pages of lyrics or yet another shot of somebody's studio setup. And I feel it. It's not inspiration. It's envy. I've never been an envious person, but when you're this far away from it, you do feel it.

If I'd posted a pic like this in the past, I'd have been posing, pretending to look at the snow, because I couldn't relax long enough to really watch it fall. The photo above is real. I'm in the moment and alive.

The dream may have changed a bit over the years. It may involve just living daily as an artist, creating work that is meaningful, and sharing it with you in any way that works. The word "fame" may not play a part at all, depending on what day you ask me or how immortal I really want my work to be. Money still plays a part because I want to be able to do creative work full time and not have to juggle my business along with it. And that part may not even be possible. Only time will tell.

But the desire is still there. Maybe that sounds like a bipolar contradiction from the first paragraph where I used the words "disinterested" and "disconnected," but I don't think so, because I really am disinterested and disconnected right now. I'm on pause. I know that I've still got so much great work inside of me that is just dying to come out and be shared with the world, but I'm finally clear enough to know that this moment is not the one in which I will shine. I won't force it. Life has to be lived and there are some things that need my attention before that part of my life really begins.